Friends

I need 'em. Like real true real real friends.
Not acquaintances. Not superficial relationships.

Friends. Real friends.

And I know who those friends should be, I know I know I just know.
One of them includes Jaden, my childhood buddie.
There are others too.

They seem like they want to hang around me.
But I just can't seem to talk or approach them like I want need to.
BLEH.

I think it may be because all the friends I've had over the past 6 years haven't treated me well.
At all.
(Excluding Lakewood buddy-family-loves. <3)

Newz

So a lot a stuff has been happening lately; and very little at the same time.

School is different this year. The fact that I've never been to the same school two years in a row probably has something to do with it. But I know it's not just me. Everyone else who went there last year feels the same way.

I changed my mood stabilizer. I was starting to become bored on Lamictal. I couldn't feel really happy or sad- in a normal way I mean. Lamictal was really great for most of the year and a half I was on it. I managed to catch up in school in a crazy amount of time and it help me deal. But I was irritated all the time, ALL THE TIME. And I was mean.

Since getting off of it I feel my personality coming back little by little. I'm not rude like I was. :) Now I'm on Abilify. Haha, whenever I think about the name I just think about the silly commercial it has. I barely transitioned a week ago. I still have mood swings but right now I like it. Although, it's not like it was before I got on any kind of mood stabilizer. But eventually I'll probably have to make the dose higher. I don't want to but if need be I'll do it. :)

I might get kicked out of day school. My attendance has been poor and I'm on something called a contract which means I'm on probation. This week will decided whether or not I can stay. They're kicking out a ton of people. It's unfair since it had to do with my moods. But my attendance has been better since being on Abilify.

Hmm, well I'm not sure if I'm going to get my regular high school diploma. That would take 27 credits. Which I can get, but the problem is my attendance and the fact that I need mostly electives and Mountain doesn't offer that many. Work release and volunteering is probably going to be my only way of getting the extra 3 credits for a regular diploma. The alternative is an adult diploma which is 24 credits, and I would be done with school by early January.

I don't know what to do yet. What do you think??

Um this is already sorta long. I could write a lot more but I don't want to.
Bye. :)

Yo, what's up cheerio?

So, nothing has really happened lately. I sleep a lot and the rest of my time is spent by sitting on my butt all day. I'm just waitin' for school to start. It's weird to me that I really like school. Well, my school at least.

Um, weight sucks. >:[ Majorly. But binge eating is gone and done, so that's fabulous. C: I've found that peanut butter on a waffle is much tastier than on bread.

I wish I could hang out with my dad. But it's been like at least a month. I feel kinda crappy because of that.

I've been watching Gage lately. He's cool, but I can't really keep up with his energy. I have bought a lot of stuff for kids and found lots of activity ideas in case anyone wants me to watch their kid(s). But once I start school on the 24th I won't be able to. I'll be really busy.

OH! My vice principle said that I could probably graduate after the first semester. How is that for beating the odds?!? C: I'm gonna graduate... yay! Holy crap, and I'm gonna be a senior. And be going to an applied communtiy college.

Future, future.. here I come.

Feeling goood, and maybe a little hyperr.

Pleeeeease read this.
Well, only if you want to. Maybe it's way tl;dr (to long;didn't/don't read). But please do!

So it's only 12:30 am. Not too late in my book, especially when it comes to summer time. I was really exhausted around 10 but something really good happened. :)

I had a good, long, serious, emotional, sensitive, honest, open, heart-felt, and deep talk with grandma. I haven't done this pretty much since a month after Brianna left. So almost a whole year! I really needed it. I just vented my heart out. It was about Brianna and Michele. I know I was making her tired, it was not too long ago. I felt bad but she was really listening to me. It felt great, we talked for about an hour I think. I was glad to share some of my feeling and angst. I hope I didn't stress her out. It didn't seem to me like it did so much. But maybe she was hiding it. I love her very much. And am so thankful for her to be in my life.

Now, of course this doesn't mean that Sharon doesn't help me. She does loads of stuff to help me function correctly. I think she has been the best counselor I have had thus far. Although, for the most part all of them were unique and helped me in some way. I am very grateful to have had their advice.

__

So, today I hung out with Melanie, and a little with Shannon (their kids too of course :). ) Melanie and I dyed each others hair. I hadn't done it in so long. I looked dreadful! But now I really like it. It came out a little darker than intended.. but it will lighten a bit once I shampoo it tomorrow. I really love hanging out with my aunts. I trust them all very much. They are all third only to firstly grandma, and secondly my dad. I feel really loved when they are around. C:

Also it rained today! More like poured, then hail, then back to rain. Didn't last long but the raindrops were huge! It was sunny and warm and not too windy, with a little thunder in there. We opened all the doors and windows. It felt, smelled, and sounded so peaceful. I got a really good high off of it. Not sure how to explain it, there was just a very good vibe throughout. Perfect weather in my opinion!

So uhh, I missed Zumiez couch tour today. It was at the mall, it's always there. They've done it for.. I don't know how many years. But atleast a few. I missed most of last year's. The bands that were playing this time I wasn't really that into. The Bled, and Emery. Still appreciate their talent though.

Uhm, I was texting a lot of kids today. Being a little social. C: Also this girl and another girl that I think are pretty tight. I need to make some serious close friends starting either this summer or next school year. I mean I really NEED to. The last really close friends, almost family, I had were 3 years ago and in Colorado. I still speak to one in particular quite often. I trust him more than any otherrr guy in my life. And I still talk to some of the others, but rarely. He and I promised that if we both graduate and still want to see each other after that, we will. C: It is a serious contract man - to me at least.

__


So, here's the deal on the Pharm. Tech. I am still planning to do it. But I have no choice, I can only do it starting in the fall. The summer program started in April. What the french, toast? And they will only have it Mondays... and Wednesdays from 6 pm to 9 pm. Still determined but mega-ly disappointed. I hate it when people give you the wrong information. It buuugs. I honestly can say I hate false hopes. More than most things.

So June 25th-28th is the Utah Arts Festival in SLC. I really want to go, and am trying to talk almost everybody I know into going. I think it is really awesome to celebrate such a beautiful part of life. Ticket prices... Adults - $10, Seniors - $5, and ALL KIDS UNDER 12 ARE FREE!

What was that other thing I was going to put on here? Hmm, I forgot. Gosh darnit. This entry is so long! Sorry, just needed to put my thoughts down.

OH! So I am loosing this pesky weight I gained. I am feeling so so much better already. But I am nowhere close to where I was before the weight-gain. I think Trazadone caused my Binge-eating. I think it caused me to loose control of a lot of my impulses. Because after I weaned off I pretty much stopped. Then my Psych. Nurse put me on Adderall. Holy crap! It curbs my appetite. Exactly what I need at the moment. But the most important thing is that I will be able to concentrate more. I intended to use it for the summer pharm. tech program, but I still need it to make up some english credits. I have to do it with an english packet and the utah electronic high school. I have a seriously hard time paying attention to these things. I know that this Adderall will help. I had it the last few days of school and got some more credits in just that week! I also feel more energized and alert. It's really cool. No worries though, I don't have an addictive personality at all. I mean I have been on Xanax for over a year now. And I have been pretty responsible with it.

__

Soooooo, tomorrow I am going to paint Shannon's walls and earn some mula. Sweet. Now, any ideas of what to do this summer? I don't want to bum around the house for my entire last summer break! I am going to be a senior next year. INSANE. CRAZY. LUDICROUS. I'm still thinking about getting a job, but I'm reluctant. Who knows.. I might, I might not.

I want to do more stuff with grandma tho'. I've been thinking of a whole bunch of cheap fun things we could do. I love her so much. C: Did I say that already? I really do!

__

Uh that's it for now. I continued to talk with grandma until about an hour ago. I just kept rambling on. Geeze. Sometimes I get a little crazy hyper. Hypo-manic still sometimes, depressed others. But Lamictal sure does the trick for the most part. :) I mean I am allowed to have ups and downs some days right? I need my emotions. I know this for sure. I can function after all!


Bye-bye now. C:

Mmm, cinnamon french toast

I just made myself some. I used soy milk instead of milk [I hate milk.] and had it with sugar-free syrup. It was yummy-licious. :)

So a few real days left of school. Thursday and Friday are optional, might go might not. My bet is not. 18 credits. I feel really good about graduating next year.

Did I mention anything about Pharm. Tech? Well I want to do it at O-WATC instead of the DATC. Half the hours! Literally. Davis is 720 while Ogden-Weber is 360. My dad goes there so it would be really easy to get to school everyday if I lived with him. And I could finish it all over the summer. Wouldn't that be neat?

Nothing in social life going on. Every now and then I go hang out with a friend, but for the most part I'm all alone. Outside of school anyway, I have a lot of cool acquaintance-friends that I hang out with at school. I call them acquaintance-friends because I rarely hang out with them outside of school. Close friends = 0. :( After Kaylie completely dumped me I haven't really been trying that hard to make close friends.

I am such a movie buff it should be illegal. I love watching movies. Love love love it. Last night I saw Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels. I couldn't stop laughing to save my life! Everything that could have possibly went wrong did, which also meant that it could have not gone more right. Films like that are pretty nifty. Like Oceans 11. Except in this movie they have no idea what they are doing or what is happening.

Then I watched Hair. Oh my gosh! I liked it so much! It was sad, but I think it was a really beautiful awesome film. I wish I had seen it sooner. So good!! One of my favorites now. :]

Ummm, that's all for now.

:|

Okay, well MRI came back and they said nothing was wrong. Buuuummer, I thought well if there is something wrong then they can fix it. But apparently, there isn't. So i just have to deal with the headaches, and memory loss, ect.

Oh! I beat my first video game ever. C: It's called Fable: The Lost Chapters. The only ones I have ever beaten are Tony Hawk games- and we all know those don't count. I've had the game for over a year but it's not mine. It's Mark's brothers.... I should probably give it back to him now, huh?

I have two weeks left of my junior year, then I'm going to be a flipping senior! WTH?? I don't want to be, where did all the years go. :( I pretty much wasted like three years of my life. I probably am going to graduate though, I should have 18 credits by the end of this year. I thought I would have seventeen but it turns out that hard work pays off. C:

During the summer I am 92% sure I am going to go into Pharmacy Technician at the DATC. The district pays for it if you are still in high school. Of course I don't want to make that a career. I couldn't handle it for long. But I need the elective credits, and mountain high doesn't offer many electives. Then I'll probably do phlebotomy, which would be cool because I love blood and needles. :) In an unhealthy way I would wager.

Trying to loose weight. Lost five, not a big deal. It's hard for a binge eater. But I really can't stand it. I mean it's so uncomfortable on my back, and the clothes don't fit. And I'm just so tired of it. But it's soooo haaaard. >:(

Um, that's it lately. Sooo my life is never that exciting is it? Haha oh well.

Laaame

I'm bored. So so so so bored. Micheal's trying to fix my xbox again. It's weird, if you close it without a game in it.. it will never open again. I finished another beanie with crocheting. I feel pretty accomplished. C:

I'm going to school like 90% of the time. That's really good! By the end of this school year I should have 17 credits. Which means in a semester I will have earned 7 credits, while in regular schools students can only earn 4 in that amount of time. I think I have a month left of school- maybe another week added to that or something.

Grandma and mainly grandpa are pressuring me to get a job. I don't know if I really want one though. I will get school credit for it if I do. But then again my school counciler wants me to take a chemistry class at northridge over the summer. It's a month long and goes from like 7-2 or something giving you a whole credit.

Man, what is up with my eating? That's all I ever do anymore. It's getting rediculous and depressing. I'm trying to stop this huge binge phase I'm going through, but it's really really hard! Grandma is helping me out a lot. Which is good, but I'm still just frustrated with myself.

Everything is pretty okay in the big picture. Happy Cinco de Mayo. My memory is acting really funny lately. I can't remember anything. It's just... weird.